The benefits of living with your parents in your 20s

Today is my 29th birthday.

I am currently an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT), close to becoming a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT). This milestone is a big deal for me because it earns me CA-licensed psychotherapist status, requires a total of 3,000 clinical hours, and enables me to practice psychotherapy as a private practice clinician.

The Highlights, and the Honest Truth

I'll briefly highlight the other major highlights of my 20s: I partied a lot in undergrad, the partying ran dry, I found Christ while in a fraternity at San Diego State University, went on to receive two masters degrees — one in classical theology and the other in marriage and family therapy — paid off 75k in school loan debt, reverted to Catholicism, dated a few girls, was the youth minister at the same church I was baptized in as an infant, found some of my best friends while serving in ministry, wrestled through an addiction, blamed my parents for my addiction, wrestled in real life (getting a blue belt in Brazilian jiu jitsu soon), reconciled with my parents, learned to speak up, learned to deal with people disliking me, chose a specialization in the therapy world — Internal Family Systems — and lastly, and certainly most important to me, found the love of my life.

In writing this and in talking to friends and acquaintances, many look at my 20s and say I had a successful or at the very least eventful decade all things considered. My girlfriend tells me that I have lived many lives already.

Nevertheless, despite all of these accomplishments, I still feel behind. I still live with my parents, I'm still not married, I don't see myself having a home in the foreseeable future here in CA, I'm struggling to find consistent client referrals, I struggle to clearly hear God's voice, and I still struggle from the effects of a lifelong addiction. Perhaps I will write another article on the importance of gratitude in the midst of unmet longings, but that is not the purpose of this article.

The Real Accomplishment

I recapped my 20s because amidst everything I could select as a major milestone, I believe that second only to finding the love of my life was rebuilding a relationship with my parents.

One of the greatest accomplishment of my 20s was rebuilding the relationship with my parents. This would not have been possible unless I lived with them.

Making some homemade pasta.

Growing up, I never had a strong relationship with my parents. Living in southern California, my parents were chronic workaholics, and their own childhood family dynamics made it difficult for them to nurture me as I would have liked. Nevertheless, as I have gotten older, I have realized how much their efforts to provide for my sister and I was simultaneously a labor of love as well as their attempt to love us the best way they knew how. They have made tremendous strides in their own healing journey, and since they returned to church, their ability to be present, encouraging, nurturing authority figures has had profound effects on me and how I view myself.

Obviously there are plenty of fair reasons for living with your parents — the financial security of living with them, being able to pay off debt, having a place to live, not being stressed in my pursuit of knowledge and clinical training, especially as I earn a modest pay as an associate clinician.

But on top of all of that, without a doubt the greatest accomplishment has been actually learning to choose a relationship with my parents. It is not one of financial benefit, it is the benefit of a relationship based on mutual respect and love. This would not have been possible unless we had some very serious heart-to-hearts while living with them in my twenties.

The Counter Reality: What I Would Have Missed

The reality is, if I didn't find God and choose the path the Lord laid in front of me to heal others, I probably wouldn't have lived with my parents in my twenties. I would have probably gotten a good paying job out of college. Back in 2018, while in undergrad, I had an internship making $23 an hour. With overtime, I was making mid $30s as an intern — this company was a Fortune 500 company in La Jolla, CA, and I was expected to earn a salary north of $90,000 right out of college. My undergrad was in economics; I probably would have gotten an apartment in San Diego, worked a corporate job, been financially well off, and I probably wouldn't have spoken to my parents much.

While I was in San Diego, I would talk to them perhaps once a week for maybe 10 or 15 minutes, if that. I probably would have been like one of those people who only sees their parents for the holidays or for major life updates or random occasions when they would visit San Diego, which is so contrary to how my life looks with them now.

Now I play pickleball with my parents, I watch sports games with my parents, I schedule movie nights with my parents, we take family trips — I can talk to my parents about anything, but this wasn't always the case. Growing up, I never felt like I could go to my parents because they were so busy working, and because they were so stressed, they often made me feel like a burden because they didn't have the emotional bandwidth to really listen to me.

Renegotiating the Relationship

What I really want to say is that my twenties allowed me to rebuild and to renegotiate boundaries with my parents. What I mean by that is by telling them how I really feel and sharing certain expectations I have with them as their son — they gave me the presence and space to grow and to become my own man under their roof. Being able to have this relationship with my parents, to be blessed by my parents, has prepared me for the next decade of my life. There's nothing I need to prove to anyone because I know that I am loved.

The Holy Family

In this way, and in meditating on the Holy Family of Jesus, I see that Jesus was a man born in the middle of a genocide, in a small insignificant people group conquered by one of the world's greatest empires. He was exiled from his homeland, rejected by his own people, betrayed, mocked, and murdered.

Yet, despite all of the trials, Jesus never had to endure bad parents. He was given a good father and a good mother. If you grow up in a home where you know you are loved, you can do anything. From the love of Mary and Joseph, and the superordinate love that Jesus receives from his heavenly Father, he is able to bear the trials of life with great courage and joy.

It is with my own experience of my twenties, alongside the model of Jesus and the Holy Family, that I can confidently say one of the greatest things you can do in your twenties is to build a real relationship with your parents. There's nothing greater, and there's nothing I encourage you to do more.

A Word to Young Adults Still at Home

If you live with your parents now in your twenties, take advantage of this time. Be real with them. Be authentic with them. I'm going to be honest, this is going to require many moments of conflict. There has to be conflict in order for there to be growth.

If you want to have something different, you have to risk doing something different. You may find yourself feeling hopeless after conflict or moments of defensiveness that didn’t go well but stay committed. Your only duty is to keep sharing how you feel and what your expectations are as a beloved son or daughter. I pray your parents come around, as mine did, but that will take time, especially if you grew up in a way where you weren’t allowed to confront or correct mom and dad.

You have to be real with them and you have to let them know when they're hurting you or have hurt you. You need to tell them where you need more support or more encouragement. They too will tell you how you can honor them and bless them by being a good son or daughter.

Never lose hope—all things are possible through faith. God desires happy, healthy families. The relationship I have with my parents didn't happen after one conversation. It happened after many years, in fact, nearly all my twenties. I would say for the last year or two my relationship with my parents has been really good.

A Word to Parents of Young Adults

I want to leave this message to the parents of young adults too: don't rush your kids to move out just because you feel the cultural pressure to not have adult kids in the home.

Jesus didn't leave his home until he was 30 — and he was God.

So slow down.

There will come a day when you are called to mission—when that day comes, you may find yourself on an adventure unsure of the next time you will return home.